Dinosaur Monty Magpie on Newcastle United
Toon- the biggest team not to have won a trophy for nearly half a century.
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Manager: Rafa Benitez ("Benny T'Wizz") But the Owner: Mike "Every Penny" Ash***.

Sept 16th: Toon...2 Stoke...1
Is this deja or is it deja vu? Remember last season when we lost our first two games? Same again this year, and the pattern has been repeated with three straight wins to follow! If this continues, we might even win the title- like last season!! But more realistically, tougher games lie ahead, but congrats to Rafa and the squad for lifting gloom since the debacle that was the window. As it stands we are in fourth place (Champions League spot!), and while nobody really expects that to be our final position, at least a certain feel good factor is swooning around SJP

Sept 10th: Swansea...0 Toon...1
After the gloom of the non event that was the summer transfers, something to cheer about. Admittedly the first third of the game was pretty dire, our defending resolute, but possession limited. However we gradually emerged from our shell and new boy Jos had several on target headers, including one that look goalbound for sure. In the second half our captain first made a goalline save, before heading in our winner from a corner. It was enough to lift the spirits, and certainly those of that impecunious owner, this is the way to play to grab Premiership survival. However is it what fans, or indeed Rafa want?

Sept 1st: Today is the Unutterable Day of Shame.
Ash*** and his cronies have failed us yet again, why had we hoped for anything different? Yes, players have been sold, but none brought in during the final days of the transfer window. No marquee inspirational signing, zero ambition, invisible vision, complete lack of competence.
My predictions are inevitable if depressing: We will be in the relegation zone in January. Rafa will have gone. No light at the end of the tunnel unless Ash***'s gang have sold out. Now is the time to get the best price Mr Ash***!
Our Championship winning team will need to give 110%, except mathematically that is impossible, and 100% will not be enough. Let this be said of Ash*** (from Habakkuk 2:9 you'll recognise the translation as that of GA Smith) "Thou hast planned shame for thy house. Thou hast cut off many people."
So what can true and honest Toon fans do:
* Dinosaur Monty says a boycott of matches is sad but the only way not to line Every Penny's profits.
* Buy out Ash***- Ant and Dec need to form a consortium.
* Nothing illegal.

Aug 26th: Toon...3 WHam...0
Some lightening of the gloom that had descended over SJP, with a convincing win, though it must be said against a demoralised team. New man Joselu scored, and Mitro made some impression, as did Perez and Atsu. However, even though it was great that Rafa's praises were sung, a sense of foreboding hangs over us- all will be revealed after the transfer window closes

League Cup Aug 23rd: Toon...2 Forest...3
Boos rang out at the final whisle- deservedly- but who were they aimed at? Mostly I hope at Mike 'Every Penny' Ash***, though this was an inept performance, and that's being kind. Mitro got us off to a perfect start, from thereon it was down downhill. Last Saturday we were beaten by a promoted Championship side who have strengthened well, tonight we couldn't even beat a Championship side themselves playing below strength. Dark days indeed

Aug 20th: Huddersfield...1 Toon...0
No surprise really, though we tried our best. Ritchie had one good shot saved, what we need, repeat, is a top striker

Aug 13th: Toon...0 Spurs...2
What a contrast with our last Premier League match 15 months ago! Then we were relegated but showed guts in our stunning 5-1 crushing of the same opposition. This time, with virtually the same team that won us The Championship, we knew it would be tough, and so it proved to be. In the first half our shining stars mostly found they couldn't control like last season, and Hayden, Shelvey and Ritchie were largely anonymous. Only Atsu showed glimpses of his 6 million fee. Shelvey's frustration boiled over and, though goaded into it, he deserved the order of the boot, and from then on it was as painful as awaiting the end of the world, our defeat as certain as death itself. One positive: despite losing two defenders early on, we didn't let our heads drop and capitulate utterly. We badly need resurrecting before next week's match, maybe a star signing could be our salvation from joining the Mackems next season