Dinosaur Monty Magpie on Newcastle United

Toon- the biggest soccer team not to have won a trophy for half a century.... and not likely to for the foreseeable, sadly. No trophies at all for 50 years.

Jan 18th: Arsenal...3 Toon...0
Before this match, D***er Bruce, all credit to him, bravely announced that after the last fiasco of a match, he was gonna play this game his "own way."
This was the result.
If you have a long memory, you will recall that Bruce, when appointed, announced he was going to play attacking football. He soon discovered that the team he had inherited were unable to oblige, and The D***er had to revert to Rafa's defensive formation.
But since that time Ash*** has splashed the cash on attacking players, although admittedly the forty million pound man is about on the level of dear old Joselu. But Ash*** has also purchased well in Wilson, and hit lucky with Maxi, even if the latter was not playing tonight.
So what did playing The Bruce Way involve? I haven't seen all the stats, except for the scoreline, but the new way seemed little different from the old- aimless, perfunctory at times, lacking pride. His team section would not have been mine, Ritchie should have been in, not Joe, and why wasn't Hayden given a place rather than Hendrick? This scoreline was utterly predictable- sadly.
Whither Newcastle? There is no way forward that will reverse the current decline. A new manager might possibly help, should an improbable load of cash be forthcoming, but frankly until Ash*** awards himself the order of the boot, both these 'solutions' are pointless, doomed

Jan 12th: Sheff Utd...1 Toon...0
You get many depressing lows as a Newcastle supporter. But this was one of the lowest. A must win game for both teams. We lost. The worst of it was, this bottom of the table side were far superior to us, even though they have no striker and have not won a league match all season (until tonight). They were better even before we went down to ten men.The penalty we conceded was certainly harsh, but the bottom line was, we always seemed to be playing for a draw- until we fell behind. The only good thing to come out of this fiasco, might be that Ash*** might well perceive the need for action. I would suggest that sacking D***er Bruce will solve nothing, since it will only lead to another Yes Man being appointed, should anyone be dug up who is fool enough to take on the job. Where do we go from here? Down is the only direction at present. Bottom of the table? How to avoid Relegation? The only hope that I can see is that there are worse teams still below us

Jan 9th: Arsenal...2 Toon...0 (FA Cup)
Result utterly as predicted. Manner of defeat less expected, for we showed ambition, had two glorious chances, and took them to extra time. No doubt we will be knackered for our six pointer in three days time. During the week D***er Bruce suggested that it was "morally" wrong for football to continue during this pandemic. I would question the use of that word, and ask him if it is "morally" right for him to continue as manager, come to think of it, is it "morally" right for Ash*** to pretend to be in charge? Maybe they can see the writing on the wall...

Jan 3rd: Toon...1 Leicester...2
In a lucklustre first half, we reverted to the ultra negative, then after the interval tried to be more constructive as we did against Liverpool. Almost at once, Leicester hit us on the break and showed themselves better finishers than the champs, and we were soon two down. Game over, though it was good to see Wor Andy hit the net for a consolation (what consolation?)- was his goal drought the longest ever for a striker?

Dec 30th: Toon...0 Liverpool...0
Never thought I'd be thanking Big *** Sam for our point tonight, but 'twas our former unlamented manager who gave the blueprint for tonight, when his team drew last week with the champions. I think we surprised our visitors, and took the game to them whenever we could. Ironically, their best moments came when they copied us!- on the break. Yes, they were off colour in front of goal, but Darlow was generally impressive, and our back nine solid. Best performance of the season

Dec 26th: Man C...2 Feeble Toon...0
At least we kept the scoreline respectable. Can you ask for any more?

Dec 22nd: Brentford...1 Newcastle Utd...0
What on earth went wrong? D***er Bruce had picked his strongest side available- only the ailing Wor Sean would I have changed- and we started with attacking intent. Wilson was sharp, but not so sharp as usual and couldn't take his half chances. Thwarted by the home side, by half time we had become lethargic, Bruce's team talk seemed to intensify our inability to break them down, and sloppy passing became the feature of our play. No surprise when we fell behind. That did awake us to some sort of action, typified by Wor Andy bundling over Wor Sean and shooting aimlessly. It's an interesting question, is it better to field a weakened cup team and go down, or play a strong one and still get beaten? Morale must be low after this defeat, but then fans' morale has been low for many a year- oh well, happy Christmas!

Dec 19: Toon...1 Fulham...1
Mebbes I was feeling jaded at Boris' belated (if correct) curtailing of our seasonal festivities today, but our team looked woefully flat in the first half, depressing also, even the hardworking Miggy seemingly exhausted. However he produced one magic pass to put Wilson thru on goal, and a slightly generous penalty saw us even up the flattering scoreline. From then on, you actually had to ask yourself, do the opposition only have ten men? This was a performance to miss, but good to see Wor Dummet back in action. Merry Christmas everyone?

Dec 16th: Leeds...5 Toon...2
Methinks D***er Bruce thought we could emulate the home team and play attacking football like them. Against West Brom last time it did work, but this time, though we again scored first, we had to defend well to keep the scored down to 2 all. But tonight the attacking subs failed to make any impact, and Leeds picked us off with three breakaway goals. Best player was probably Clark, with Hayden continuing to prove reliable. Murphy improved when he moved up from back, but Wor Sean was woeful for once, as was Lewis, and inevitably Joe little better

Dec 12th: Toon...2 West Brom...1
Our Covid ravaged side swung into action again, and a brilliant opening goal within half a minute settled the nerves. Or did it? A Covid indiced torpor gradually seemed to descend, and we reverted to type, defending until they got an inevitable equaliser. But all credit to The D***er for subbing with an attacking line-up, the returning Gayle scored a brilliant winner off Murphy's inch perfect cross

Nov 27th: Palace...0 Toon...2
After an unprecedented flow of attacking football and we had subsided to our normal passivity, I was idly musing on the coincidence of the two teams' logos, which both have 88. Did it portend 88 attempts on goal?! More like 88 passes in the match! But in the end, after a woeful display, 88 proved highly significant, as Wilson scored in the 88th minute, from a nicely weighted pass from Joe. Then Joe himself scuffed another shot, which neatly deflected off their player and into the net! But the one who really won the match for us was Roy of the Rovers, sorry of Palace: their manager bravely tried an ultra attacking formation, and thankfully for us, our forwards had much more space. Still, we took our chances. How we won two nil is welcome but nothing short of smash and grab. Maybe if an enterprising team of villains is looking for a mastermind?... Oh no, what did I write last time... Wor Steve for England manager- that's my cry!

Glad I decided to miss the Chelsea defeat. But it does strike me that as England have failed to win their Nations League group, is it time for a new manager to take the helm? A man with new ideas, vision, experience? Yes, I am talking up Wor Steve for manager of the national team (And I mean the English team). Who better to bring fresh impetus, a lively attacking style, a great new era will be dawning: Wor Steve Bruce for manager!
I appreciate this will be a great sacrifice for Toon, but we must stand aside in the national interest. Yes, a huge void will need filling, and I suggest Rafa is contacted immediately

Nov 6th: Southampton...2 Toon...0
Though we started aggressively, that changed when Miggy lost possession uncharacteristically, and we went one down. We rode our luck, our post hit, a cast iron penalty against us refused (thankfully) - you sensed we might even snatch a late equaliser as at Spurs and Wolves, but no, we were poor today and Wor Sean gifted them a second. Once the oppo keep Maxi under wraps, we struggle, and that's what happened tonight. Murphy vainly attempted to take on the Maxi role, but we lacked a real leader on the pitch like Jon Jo or Isaac Hayden

Nov 1st: Toon..2 Everton...1
A turgid first half can only be remembered for our good defending. But the second half proved more entertaining, with Wilson winning what I thought was a soft penalty- but who's complaining?- and neatly slotting in from the spot. Our best move came immediately after, with Longstaff (S) nearly scoring: he looked more up to speed today. Then the ex-Bournemouth duo gave us a two goal cushion, and it looked plain sailing. However what ought to have been a formality was nothing short of near disaster when they scored at the started of six minutes added on time. Frankly it gave us six minutes of anxiety, unnecessary because D***er Bruce had taken off our two most creative players (Maxi and Miggy) inviting the Toffees to come on to us. Thankfully we held out for the three points

Oct 25th: Wolves...1 Toon...1
Maybe the best moment was the D***er Bruce pre-match interview, in which he was asked about team selection: "what was your thinking?" Now there's a novel concept! In fact the answer was that injuries meant the line up sort of chose itself. We certainly offered an attacking eleven. However, this 'plan' didn't come to any fruition because we were forced to play defensively, and Maxi was not having one of his better games. Thankfully the defence was solid, I pick out Lewis who had his best game for us, and we clung on well. A goalless draw looked inevitable, until Darlow failed to save a powerful shot. Luckily for us, their goalkeeper didn't line up his wall too well after Wilson won a very soft free kick. All credit to Murphy who neatly curled the ball into the bottom corner of the net

Our mauling on Oct 17rh against ManU was screened on Sky Box office. Tough on those Newcastle fans who forked out the exorbitant 14.95! The greed of the Premier League did not entice me, so I missed our capitulation, conceding three goals in the dying minutes. Bring back Rafa, bring back Wor Kev, bring back even Wor Bobbie!

Oct 3rd: Toon...3 Burnley...1
One name the non-existent crowd would have shouted: Maxi!! He weaved and bamboozled the oppo for a brilliant first goal. Then, even better, with the scores level and Burnley seemingly in the ascendancy, he produced a lightning run, a brilliant cross, and Wilson slotted in the winner. The match had been threatening to become one of two halves, with us, after an aggressive first half, apparently capitulating, until Maxi changed the game

Sept 30th: how we beat second div Newport in the League Cup is nothing short of miraculous luck! Our play was at their level (or worse), they got an early goal, and our response was lethargic. I doubt if Wor Andy could have scored even from the spot. Murphy was the only one who showed much energy, but his finishing was woeful. An injection of something, or possibly they were tiring, yes that's it, and we finished the stronger, thankfully a Shelvey special got us an equaliser. We were down again in the penalty shoot-out, with our 40 million man missing. How on earth did we scrape home?

Sept 27th: Spurs...1 Toon...1
According to the Special One, Our Bruce is "intelligent," but more appropriately, he is a lucky manager. We said it last season, and this match it was nothing short of a miracle to come away with a point. We were outplayed, as expected, we had no shots in 90 minutes on target to nobody's surprise, yet we won a disputed penalty. For me, it was a penalty according to the rules, though surely the rules need changing. But well played to Wilson who calmly slotted in our last gasp equaliser

Sept 23rd: Morecambe...0 Toon...7
The best line was that Joelinton is now a transfer target for Division 2 sides. But at least we showed ourselves superior to the lower division minions. Beware however, lest euphoria overtake us again: the next match away against Spurs will prove a tougher job.

Sept 20th: Home defeat against Brighton, no shots on target. The Seagulls finished below us last season, but on this showing, it's us who will be fighting relegation. The absurd euphoria after the win against West Ham was partly tempered by an appalling home display in midweek against Blackburn, anf for those with eyes to see, the writing was on the wall even then. Today Wor Andy was ineffective, and was rightly subbed. Things did improve in the second half but this was a performance to forget, worrying times ahead

Sept 12th: West Ham...0 Toon...2
An excellent start, though let's be frank, we beat a side that is going to be fighting against relegation, so this was not the toughest of tests! At least two new signings came up with the goods, ie goals, and Maximin was as usual Man of the Match, and Almiron deserved better than a ten minutes sub's slot as he provided the incisive pass for the second goal. Well done to Wor Andy also, who may not be a forward any more, but did sterling work with his headers
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