Britain's Dinosaur Soccer Team Award goes to Newcastle United.
SUMMER ACTION PLAN:
Things look rosier than this time last year, when we were facing the reign of Slippery Sam. But more harmony at the top now, would give Monty greater confidence. The bottom line is- how much is Ashley going to stump up? If he really is a fan, I know what the answer must be.
Kev wants Owen, so let's hope he does keep him! At least he's repaid a few million of his £16m this season.
Exits: Car has already been shown the door, and these should follow: Duffer (never earned his £5m), Barton (Kev says he's improved, but he's still only average), Emre (Souey's big star failed to shine). Germi (Slippery's captain), Vi Duka (usually managed to cover 100metres per match), and N Rique (again another blind spot for Kev).
Monty definitely would keep Milner, Martins, Taylor, Bye, and The Zog should be given preference over the other left sided players.
May 11th: Everton....3 Toon......1
boring
Apr 20th: Toon......2 Sunderland.........0
An excellent win, tho' not yet quite vintage Kev, nor the thrashing Monty predicted despite the opposition being very mediocre.
Read of his romance by clicking here.
STOP PRESS- He's got a date with Ruby, whiles the Reds are in Moscow!
Please email Dinosaur Monty with your Toon views.
To the site for Runners-Up for the Dinosaur Soccer Team Award
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On a lovely sunny February 16th, I had time to forget Toon for a few seconds..... Tak the Metro, that's what I deed, to get sum fresh sea breezes and oot I got at Cullercoats, where to me supreese, there polishin one of the brightly red doorsteps I espied a bonny lass.
"What's thee name?" I asked the Cullercoats maiden. "Ruby," she replied, and thar could hear the suttle booty in her voice, it told of sufferin and pride. "Ay," she added, "I were once at Eaton Square, home of Lord Bellamy, tha knows, he were on the tv yars back." And as I lissened to her charmin tones I felt a warm gloo all oover.
"Are yer steppin oot?" I asked in my kindest voice. But she were too shy to reply so I took bull by horns and said, "wal, if y're not steppin oot, then coom with me," and do ya knoo, she said Yas, next Sat'day.
Wal, I tell ya man, it were a bit difficult. Ya knoos what's on on the 23rd? After a lang pause I begged her "Will ya step oot with me to see us beat Manchester United?"
She took one look and slammed door.
Feb23rd evening- Affter the match, I was so deepressed
I rans and rans, strat doon t'road to Wallsend, I were so fast I think I even overtak sum buses. Then I felt that exhausted
I leapt on metro doon to Cullercoats agen,
I jus had to cheer meself up by seein my canny Ruby. "Wat do yer think?" I shouted up at her winder. "Did ya hear tha terrible score?" "Did ya hear the score?"
There were this lang pause afore the sound of the winder a-creakin oopen. But noo words, so I plucked up me
courage and I sang, ya knows like Romeo singin to Juliet, except this were Cullercoats on a cold winter's neet.
Wal, there was a lot of shoutin, afore she closed t'winder.
I just didn't know wat to do nex, but her 7 fut dad cam oot the front door, and he had a Red's t-shirt on, an he laffed, jus laffed, so I have ter admit, I just ran awa.
But I am goin to go back again, praps whan her dad is oot.
March 1st - Affter the match, I joins all the fedup Toon fans on the bus to Cullercoats, and gets off just outside Ruby's house.
Very quiet like, I crept up to the wall, and gets out my tin o black paint and my brush and statted to paint. Maybes I shouldn't have done, but it
made me so cross, seeing her dad wearin that Red's strip. So, not breathin owt, I painted on her dad's wall, nex to their bay winder.
B O B B Y C H A R L T O N WAS A T R A I T O R.
H E S H O U L D H A V E J O I N E D THE T O O N.
Then I heared a noise of a door openin. Lucky for me it were only the canny Ruby, and whan she sees what I'd wrote
she says to me I should ran quick like. I think I saw a smile an her face mind. By, it were good advice.though, for her 8 fut dad cam oot nex minute
an he looks so fierce, yas couldna see me fer dust.
This Satday, 8th March, I hads this canny idea an' went to see Ruby whiles her pa was watching the Reds being beaten by Portsmouth (don't cry!).
I spak to Ruby while her dad was watchin them on telly, and she said she'd cum oot with one when her dad was at nex week's match. Wal, I said I would luv it, and see we've mak a date for nex Satday,
as Toon an't playin then. Don't tells a soul will yer, and I'll tell yers all aboot it nex weeken.
March 15th and Toon had no match, being on Sultana Sports nex Monday.
Wal, I was gannin doon the road to Cullercoats to see the canny Ruby, a bunch of daffs in me hand. It was to be a happy day, but wan I knocks on her door, all smiling like,
I had a nasty shock for it was her 9 fut dad what opens the door, and he tells me he had to miss the Reds' match agin Derby cos of me. He grabs me and shakes me. Than he made me paint out all the graffiti, as he called it, that I'd painted an his wall.
Than he kicks me doon the road sayin Don't Come Back, and I rubs me behind and jus spots Ruby at her bedroom winder wavin. I waves back an she smiles.
Havin thought lang and hard, I realise someone mus have told him I was comin, so I am not goin to tell a soul, not even yous, wat I am goin to do nex....
I knoo Ruby's dad were away at the Grand Slam match on Easter Sunday, so I takes me chance an creeps doon to Ruby's an knocks on her door. "Are ye camin oot?" I smiles at her, and she smiles back, and says jus wait a minit while I tarts meself up. Wal, fifteen minits passed, an she appears, by she were a vision of booty, an off we walk doon to St Mary's Lighthoose I think it were. On the beach I taks her hand and she taks mine, an I plucks up me courage an says to her, I'll shows ye somethin shall I? Yas she replies, and I start a runnin, we ran so fast, we were at Monkseaton Station afore ye could say Wor Jackie. An off we goes, al the way to St James where I knows a quick way in, an showed her the paradise you can see in my pic. Her voice seemed quite lost on the way home, I wish I knew wat she were thinkin
On April the First, I pays me nex visit to Ruby's, knowin her dad would be in Italy to watch ManU, but blow me, when Ruby's door opens, thar is her ten fut brute of a dad, and he tells me 'fer the las time, gerroff.' He were a bit put out havin to miss the match to deal with me, he says. And he bangs me head an the wall and I sees stars. But it were nice stars, for there is Oba Martins weaving from the half way line to go pass one ManU defender, t'other way pass another and shoots from the edge of the box and it's one nil to the Toon, and after only 40 secons! Straight from kick off, Milner grabs the ball off Ronaldo, and shoots from the half way line. Two-nil, and only a minute on the clock! And it's three nil before the quarter hour is up, for there goes new signin T Henry, Kev's wonder player, it's goin to be jus like that 5-0 under Kev's firs time round! But then the stars go, an I wakes up in hospital. It were al an April Fool. And I still can't answer the problem, How am I goin to see my Ruby ever agen?
12 April: Oh dear, I finds out today that that dad of hers isn't her dad at all, but her hoosband!
Still, where there's life.......
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