Dinosaur Monty Magpie on Newcastle United
Toon- the biggest soccer team not to have won a trophy for half a century.
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Dec 15th: Huddersfield...0 Toon...1
Not pretty, but what a great result against relegation rivals! It keeps our head above water, and that's all we can hope for at present- that we don't drown before our bondage to Ash*** is ended, and we soar as on eagle's wings under benevolent new ownership... Rondon again proved his worth with our priceless goal, and we ought, if the ref had been on the ball, to have been awarded a second

Dec 9th: Toon...1 Wolves...2
Mebbes the most depressing result of the season, for we looked liked holding on, until their injury time winner. Perez, headed a fine goal, but then having surprisingly been named as Man of Match, had a rush of blood and galloped, with the ball down the pitch, only to lose it in typical fashion. Wolves went up the other end and scored a late winner. A killer numbing blow. But let's take some positives: Rondon always looked a threat with his hold up play, and it was he who supplied the cross for our goal. Atsu, whom I quite rate, was a threat down the left, and Dubravaka, whom everybody rates, made one fine save to keep us level. But one red card to Yedlin changed the game, and whilst it was just about deserved, it stopped us from being the better side, which arguably we had been

Dec 5th: Everton...1 Toon...1
A deserved point which felt like more as we took the lead, but couldn't keep them at bay. But we worked hard and though both sides might have got the winner, in the end it was Atsu who really ought to have converted late on. All this amid Ash*** claiming he has some bidders interested in buying him out (again)

Dec 1st: Toon...0 West Ham...3
After the lord mayor's show, our worst defeat this season. It was supposed to be a well deserved protest against Ash*** in the eleventh minute, but instead, it was at this point they scored. This marked the start of an afternoon to forget, with Perez openly flouting chances, and our defence looking fragile. In fact the real protest ought to have been with eleven minutes to go, since the ground began emptying, yep Ash*** has, I think, missed his window to sell, not that he cares

Nov 28th: Burnley...1 Toon...2
As early as the third minute, we had the ball in the net, a deflected shot. We then defended as per usual, but they looked ineffective, their first shot after twenty minutes straight at Dubravka. We sped down the other end and from a corner went two up, a header from returnee Clark. We always looked a threat going forward, specially on the wings, but they got one back and only a good save from our goalie prevented them going in all square. The second half saw us more dominant, Yedlin forced his way into the six yard area, and somehow Richie missed from a yard out. That would have made the game comfortable, but we held on, sub Jos even smashing his shot against the post. Thus we have obtained max points from our matches this month, and if Ash*** is serious about selling, now is surely the optimum time. We'll find out if he really is serious, somehow I doubt it, sadly. He don't look a serious sort of guy does he?

Nov 10th: Toon...2 Bournemouth..1.
After our tough start to the season, it had been predicted that we would get going in October. Well, one month late, we have awoken, not convincingly perhaps, but today's victory was, in the end, fairly comfortable.

Nov 3rd: Toon...1 Watford...0
If we rode our luck, the result was deserved because after three enforced substitutions, including two of our arguably better players, we could have laid down and capitulated. Instead, we battled, scrapped and defended, Diame who has been a shadow of last season revived, and Perez who has been woeful all season, headed the winner, showing a glimpse of what he was once capable of. But this was a team victory, and temporarily at least, lifts us out of the dreaded R zone

Oct 27th: Southampton...0 Toon...0
This was bargain basement football, and did I not detect a smile on Mike Cash***'s face? Certainly we played in the style of his SD store, clinching our third point this season, wow, and each of the points has been thanks to a nil nil draw. Hardly inspirational, but it does lift us off the bottom.
As things stand at present (though things always change), we might yet finish above today's opponents, as well as Huddersfield and Cardiff. That seems the only straw to clutch at- what ambition!! But of course things will change, other managers will get sacked, ironically that's the last thing Toon need

Oct 20th: Toon...0 Brighton...1
This is a new low, bottom of the league, the R word painfully hanging o'er us. We might have tried today, but it seems last year's miracle tenth place was a fluke, this team ain't good enough. Rafa even got boos, unthinkable, but what could he do? We all know who is to blame. Mebbes Rafa wants to be sacked to extricate himself from the Ash*** nightmare, but we all know who it is who really ought to sack hisself

Oct 6th: Man U...3 Toon...2
On the face of it, this looks like another tight game which, as usual, we lost. But when you learn that we were two up at half time (it ought to have been three), suddenly this looks depressing. Ash*** was treating the team to free pizzas this week (whatever next?), but it needs more than a few pizzas to turn around years of underinvestment

Sept 29th: Toon...0 Leicester...2
Really there was nothing positive to take from this. The only plus points are that Ash*** will have to reducing his asking price, and that a new buyer is (allegedly) in the offing. But that we've heard before! Someone with vision and of course cash please

Sept 22nd: Palace...0 Toon...0
The season was supposed to begin here! Well it hasn't really has it?

Sept 15th: Toon...1 Arsenal...2
My comments the same as for the last match, Clark getting our consolation goal. Never mind, our season will bloom in October when the ash will fade from our nightmares and SD will no more parade itself around SJP

Sept 1st: Man C...2 Toon...1
Utterly expected, but with such a scoreline it felt more like a victory- well, at least not a thumping. We even scored on a rare outing upfield from Yedlin via Rondon, but the truth is our fate will be determined by games other than this. Their squad value compared with ours is laughable, if it wasn't so sad

Aug 29th: Forest...3 Toon...1
An abysmally slack start as old Toon striker Murphy headed them into an easy lead after a minute. We did improve after that, we had to, with Wor Sterry and Wor Longstaff not utterly out of place, we even enjoyed more possession, but no shot on target in the 90 minutes. Our play was sometimes the familiar attack v defence, only this time it was us on the attack! If you could describe it thus for it wasn't until injury time that Rondon had a shot on target, and equalised. It was a fine shot from a tight angle and was the most promising moment of the dread night. The rest of injury time, pass a veil over it, with another poor refereeing decision. It says it all that our Championship opponents had spent more in the summer transfer market than us

Aug 26th: Toon...1 Chelsea...2
This ought to have been a 0-0 draw and all credit to Toon for defending so well. Instead, some refereeing decisions that in my view were poor, enriched the match with three questionable goals. The worst decision was the awarding of a penalty for the Blues, but maybe the ref evened it up when Yedlin, our best player today, clearly elbowed their defender before producing a brilliant cross for Jos' second goal of the season. Then a free kick, doubtful in my view, gave them the winner, an unfortunate deflection off Yedlin. Without two of our best players today, Shelvey and Lascelles, we fought hard, though Rondon's lone striker role offered little to encourage us supporters, and Murphy once again failed to impress. But the rest of the starting eleven were solid, hard working against flair players, and deserved a better referee than this one

Aug 18th: Cardiff...0 Toon...0
What began as a workmanlike performance, more aggression on offer, given the opposition, gradually petered out into a lacklustre effort. Perez had three good chances, one an excellent one, but muffed them. Hayden was brought on to counter the effective Murphy (not our Murphy, but his twin brother) and soon got a red. From then on it was backs to the etc, with our Murphy coming on but not proving as effective as his twin. We did perk up slightly near the end, Kenedy, having fluffed one free kick then botched a last minute surprise penalty that might have snatched us an undeserved three points

Aug 11th: Toon...1 Spurs...2
Opening day of the season, and the mild surprise that none of our new signings were starting was quelled by old hand Joselu who got our goal. Our two January loanees, now in the fold again, both impressed: Dubravka's save was world class, and Kenedy always looked likely to trouble Spurs. However after he missed a semi-sitter he did tail away. Diame hit the post and new number 9 Rondon had a shot deflected off the bar, but we couldn't quite clinch an equaliser. Our performance and application for the first three quarters was excellent, but the introduction of our two new bargain basement strikers hardly gave us the zest we badly needed, and, while there was much to encourage, luck was all on their side, with a first goal that barely looked over the line